November was Adopt a Senior Pet Month and Canine Cancer Awareness Month and yet I’ve found it hard to say anything. I just could not find the words from deep within the trenches with my cancer-ridden Miss Manzana Marzipana. As a proponent of the “Who rescued who?” motto, caring for these little loves brings so much joy and fulfillment to my life. This experience with Manzana’s metastasized mammary cancer, however, has taken things to another level. To be honest, there have been moments when I am completely overwhelmed by it. My mission of spreading the joy of senior rescue has kept me active on Instagram but watching the aggressive and visible decline of a dog who has stolen my heart in just a few weeks is painfully uncharted territory leaving me not wanting much else than to be by her side.
Despite my efforts, Manzana’s cancer appears to be winning. Each day I can see the ulcerated tumors growing. They look like an alien invasion on the surface of her tiny body. They have a very distinctive smell that haunts me when cleaning and treating them twice a day. I fear the finish line is approaching.
Writing about this I feel unqualified, and even a bit silly, as I really can offer no real solutions, but as a friend pointed out to me, maybe just sharing my experience could in some way be valuable, and so with that in mind, I’ll continue.
Firstly, if given the chance, I would choose Miss Manzana Marzipana all over again. In such a short amount of time I have fallen for her like I never could have expected. I’ve never known a dog that could so directly communicate love. You can have a complete conversation with her and she’ll stare into your eyes and acknowledge what you say with a perfectly timed tail wag. She has been a beautiful gift. In September, I decided that since MoMo’s leg was better I would put it out there to foster and hopefully use our Instagram platform to get a senior pup adopted. Literally the next day, Manzana, aka Apple, aka Callie’s photo came up on my feed, and a few days after that she was with us. I know many of you laughed at this from the beginning, saying a “foster failure” was imminent, but I swear I thought I could do it!
I was not aware of her cancer when she came to me. I knew she had a gruesome mammary tumor removed (which, I learned later, has a 50/50 chance of being cancerous). So when it became clear that she did have cancer, and it was returning, she was already becoming a permanent member of our family. To see her through this was not even a question.
Manzana has been failed by her human experience at every turn. I am trying, with every ounce of me, to make up for all this. Going down the long lists of “if only’s” I’ve found gets me absolutely nowhere but ugly crying and debilitating heartbreak.
Jumping to action to attack this cancer has brought me lots of information, and unfortunately, little results. She’s been seen by specialists, surgeons, western medicine vets, holistic vets, all of whom have helped in someway, but regretfully have not been able to turn around her grim prognosis.
Once again, support from our Instafamily offering advice and recommendations has been incredible. For many of our friends in rescue I know that hospice cases are nothing new, but for me, despite 7 years of having senior Chi’s, this is my first experience of hospice with such brutal intensity. It can be so comforting to simply know that you are not alone in this.
I’ve spent hours going down Internet rabbit holes of research, product searching, and even enrolling in a class to learn about energy healing. I registered myself for a medical marijuana card to purchase CBD oil and cannabis products for her, and have turned my kitchen into a pharmacy of remedies, supplements, prescriptions and herbs. I have scheduled, and driven, Manzana to surgery twice now, only to arrive at the same conclusion; that it’s not the best option for her. The first attempt was foiled by a trachea infection resulting from complications with her first tumor removal surgery the week before I got her. At first I was told it was kennel cough, but the timeline didn’t quite line up. Later I learned it was most likely due to her breathing tube being overinflated during surgery, damaging tissue of the trachea, which already tends to be fragile in small dogs. With her immunity down, infection set in. By the time of my second surgery attempt, the progression of the tumors were deep into her chest wall and were too invasive to be touched. The fact that her body was still recovering from the first surgery from only a month prior, the difficult question arose: what is best, quality of life or quantity? With the answer to this question ending in heartache either way, I came to choose quality. With that comes an acceptance of what is. That is hard.
Allowing what is to be; to not resist, feels counter intuitive at times, but I came across a beautifully written article by Dr. Dennis Thomas, a veterinarian of over 30 years who practices both Eastern and Western Medicine. Reading and rereading his insights on cancer in pets has become my solace when feeling overwhelmed. Please click here for the full article. These paragraphs in particular have helped me hold it together.
“When you are no longer under the control of your harmful thoughts and emotions, you will find a peaceful place within that space. From that place you are naturally open to what needs to be done for your pet. It is no longer about you and your response. You are now in alignment with the pet’s needs and you will be directed in your choices and decisions. You will find yourself allowing life to do what it needs to do, and you will be in a position to cooperate to the fullest with what life presents to you. You will no longer be attacking the cancer, and the cancer will no longer be responding to your attacks. Universal laws tell us that what you attack, you only make stronger.
Be forewarned, aligning yourself with an attitude of allowing cancer to be, may cause the ego-mind to react, and it may tell you that you are giving up. That is not the case. You will still take steps to address the cancer, but now you will be guided by loving energy instead of fear. There will be ease of movement instead of resistance—and there will be no suffering.”
I am committed to the balance of showing Manzana all the love she missed out on in her life, keeping her happy and comfortable, being positive for her, and to being open and aware of her wishes. I want to make sure she can feel safe to let me know when she’s ready, all the while clearly hoping for a miracle.
I’m not sure where all this will lead, but I do feel I am meant to be having this experience. I often feel ill equipped and crippled with grief, but I am learning, and loving, and I guess you could say, walking the walk. Have I mentioned I’m scared? In the end, what I can do is to proceed with gratitude for the gift of another tiny soul who is teaching me so much.
⭐️Jem
